Lizzies Crazy rants

So my sister Jen has been telling me for MONTHS that they are going to give Hailey's lil power wheels Quad to Ashton. They came by a few weeks ago and brought that over along with their quad to ride around in our back yard. Hailey had little to no interest in it AT ALL unless Ashton was on it. She only rode on it when Ash was getting off and on allot other that that she wanted to ride on Andrews big quad. So the quad has been here for 2 weeks and Jen and Josh left it here with no problem UNTIL I tell Jen today on the phone how much Ashton loves it. Then she makes this huge deal about picking it up and called me anxious to let me know Josh was getting. Makes this big thing about it over the phone about how it HAILEYS!!!! Right like my two favorite barbies I let Hailey play with that she broke!!!! Did Jen replace it NO! How about the dozen or so movies Hailey ruined when living with us? No she never replaced them. So I was a upset when Josh came to get it because I felt that Jen was only taking it to hurt me. Not because Hailey wanted it but because Jen is just like my mother!!!!!!!!! She only truly wants things when someone else wants it! Then she claims that I am asking for a 300 quad and that is BS!!! I gave Hailey Andrews old Silverado because he outgrew it and she loved it. I am so sick of being used!!!!!! This is all just the same issues with Jennifer piling up on me and I can't take it. Behind my back she tells people how I don't help her or how I should pay for this or that for her wedding but never says thank you for the things I have done.

I learned how to make fondant cakes JUST for her weddings so she could have a beautiful but inexpensive wedding cake. I was going to pay for the fabric and sew the bridesmaid dresses. I was going to help with her bouquets and I made her damn invitations and bought the paper to do it! I have helped allot and I am sick of never hearing thank you or I appreciate it...

Why is it when something important is going on I can't seem to keep shit together. It seems like whenever something important is going on for me everything goes wrong!! What did I do why is it always this way. Also why is it when I need the help the ppl who are supposed to help me seem to disappear? I am so sick of it!

Soooo Andrew has been really sweet and hasn't really asked for anything for Christmas. Well yesterday we saw Santa and Santa asked what he wanted and Andrew leaned in and whispered that he really wanted a Star Wars AT-TE Vehicle. Well Santa looked up at me VERY confused and I slightly explained it and Santa said he would see what he could do while looking at me obviously trying to get me to say yes or no but I didn't have an answer. So later Grandma Cheryl asked him and he repeated the same toy.

Well later when we got home we were sitting on the couch and he confided in me that he asked Santa for the AT-TE because he knew it was too expensive for me and Kris to get but he knew Santa could do it. OMG now what do I do??? I am already done shopping and we certainly didn't have the money for that is is $100.00 but he is so sure Santa is going to give it to him. So I started poking around online and see that it is sold out online at most stores and only Toys R Us and Target have it in store so I have to figure out how to get the money together and get it before they run out. Santa can I have some help please?

So I am EXTREMELY happy right now! Kris worked his butt off and didn't tell me but saved all his tips so we had money for our boys for Christmas!!! I was able to spend almost $200.00 and I know it will be an awesome Christmas for them. I am so happy.

I have been stressed and crying at night because I didn't want the boys to go without. Can you imagine being 18 months or 9 and not having Christmas???? It would be devastating I know it. I owe Kris so much for this. I know that he is their Dad and it is his job but it isn't just the presents. He actually helped me decorate the house!! He put lights up in our window and helped us put up the lil window stickies!!!

In our lil complex all you really can do is decorate your windows. He is taking us on Sunday to get a tree and then we will decorate!!! If you know Kris you know what a HUGE deal this is! Normally Kris fights me decorating till the middle of the month and then even whines about it. But he is being super supportive!

Now I have to figure out how to get something for him to show him how happy he has made me this Christmas.

So I just logged onto here for the first time in sooo long and I can see the last I posted I was pregnant but nothing after. Well We had Ashton on May 21st. He was 7lbs 12 oz and was 21 inches long!!!

Kris and I are so much better! I think I finally realized what was causing all of our problems. We wanted another baby and the fact that I miscarried every baby since Andrew for 6 years began to cause so much tension. I cried about it allot and I think Kris began to feel at fault. So we drifted apart never telling each other how we felt etc.

Well when I first found out I was pregnant he was upset because obviously things weren't going good for us we were still separated (but we were still sleeping together and in the same bed) and he was kind of seeing someone. I put no pressure on him to reconcile and just went about my pregnancy always preparing myself for the seemingly inevitable miscarriage.

Finally my doc set me up for my 1st ultrasound and I cried because I hadn't made it that far in a pregnancy since Andrew. I asked Kris if he wanted to go with me and he agreed.

Well seeing our lil man kicking and moving Kris fell in love with him. Soon he was coming to all my appointments and even argued with me about the birthing style I wanted. Which I know seems weird to be happy about but when he had no interest then suddenly a ton it was GREAT!

Then one night when he usually went to the bar he came down stairs and sat on the couch. I was surprised but hell I wasn't going to fight it!! His ickfriend called and he told her he wasn't coming. Then suddenly he is next to me on the couch with his arm wrapped around me!!

That was it! Our unspoken reunion just happened. He was so supportive and when he got to feel kicks on the outside he would spend all his spare time over my belly. Talking to him and telling him we loved him and to grow strong!

Well the day of the scheduled c-section we were so anxious we had given up hope after 6 years of losing our baby's of ever seeing one come full term. We couldn't have him out and safe in our arms fast enough!! Well the c-section was nerve racking! With Andrew he was out in a few minutes but it took them almost 20 to get to Ashton. We were so scared. Had we gotten our hopes up only to lose him at the finish line? I started crying in fear but Kris kept soothing me. Finally we heard the most beautiful bleats ever (yes he sounded like a goat!) and you could tell he was using all his lungs!!

After he was all wrapped up they brought him over and gave him to Kris and I got to see our miracle for the first time. He was so cute but I suddenly blurted "my baby has sideburns!!" he did though he was hairy and looked exactly like I did as a baby!

Kris never left his side he went with him to the nursery and the nurses had him take his shirt off and let Ashton cuddle with him skin to skin. An hour and a half later I came out of recovery and as I passed the nursery I saw Kris proudly showing off Ashton to our family and the nursery window. When I saw them I cried because all I could see was Kris glowing with pride and our lil miracle baby in his arms.

Now he is 17 months old!! Ash is so smart! He is always getting into things but I can't help but smile because I know he saved me. Ashton healed not only me but Kris and I as a couple. Don't get me wrong Andrew is my bubba and I love him so much. He has always been a Mama's boy and gone out of his way to make me smile. Actually Andrew is a HUGE inspiration to me he has autism and still is a well behaved hard working boy. I know that every day Andrew has to struggle to keep control of his emotions but he does it!

Now I am pregnant again!!!! This will be our last Little One and again we have another boy! I am due Feb 26th and am right now past the halfway point in this pregnancy. We have been feeling kicks since VERY early on. Kris says Ashton healed my womb and my broken heart. So we are all excited for the last piece of our Family puzzle. I would never say we were incomplete but I will say our hearts have been waiting patiently.

I want to thank all my friends who have put up with me these last few crazy years. Also I want to thank God for helping me and Kris find each other again and to give us all of our boys. Yes I found god in two innocent chocolate brown eyes.

I'm Pregnant!

Shit. You think you have it all worked out and it isn't. Damn. Kris asks for a divorce and I think I am fine. I thin I can handle it I mean shit after all the crap and the fighting you would think I would be ready but dammit if I am not. Now I am scared. How will I do it alone. Knowing that he is done with me hurts so bad. I try to distance myself anf I think it is me getting over it but it is really just me ignoring it. Stuffing it down deep and when something happens it is exposed as the bloody wound that it is. Help

Okay so I have decided that I am not ready to be 25. I know there is no stopping it but still is this whole 25 thing necessary I mean who are we helping here? No one, thats what I thought. Well I have decided that I have NO idea what I am going to do for my birthday. I wrote more of my book in an odd fit of creativity I had. Then I reread it and blushed, god I am a pervert. Anyway, I want to know what I should do for my birthday. Also I want to know who wants to do it with me. This is my sneaky way of seeing who reads my blogs like good little Liz drones hehehe. I need to update my pics. I want a pic that shows my true self.... wait I DON'T want a pic of me asleep on the couch in my strawberry shortcake pjcs on the net.... scratch that. Sooo blah hehehe. I have drawn something new. No one will ever see ^^ and I have decided that addictions are terrible... I should get one. Smoking is gross so that is obviously not a choice... nymphomania would be fun but again I am lazy… hmm I am up for suggestions.

So today I spent the morning with my best friends Stef. All day she seemed like she was occupied all day. Like something was wrong. But I ignored it because I knew she would tell me when she was ready.

After we got back to my house she seemed really sad. She had her head on my shoulder and kept telling me she loved me and that I was her Lizzie. Stefanie doesn't act like this normally. She is always loving but this time she seemed sad.

Finally as she is leaving she comes to me and says that they are moving. To eureka nevad which is 8 hours north of where I live. They plan on moving in six months.

I was good though. I didn't cry while she was here. I gave her hug and told her it was okay. But as soon as she left I started sobbing, and now I am soo depressed. I don't know what to do. I feel like shit.

I need love

So I have been reading Q's novel. I have to say that I really like it. I am soo proud of her for pursing her dream! The book is very creative and isn't like any other book I have read. It may have some similarities to other books but just in the vauguest of ways. She has made her own and sucks you into it. I can't wait till it is published and I get to tell people I was one of the first to read it! No one will believe me but oh well. lol